I find myself in a weird place these days. Life has thrown some unexpected curve balls, some of which have been amazing blessings and other hardships which have knocked me down (I wish I could say they always brought me to my knees). As I have spent some time reflecting, I have realized I am not able to say I am totally happy with the person I am today. I have a heavy burden of guilt, disappointment and fear which weigh heavily on me. I often wonder and beat myself up about the “what ifs”. I am 30 years old and I wish I had my stuff together more than I do, but reality is I am here and it is a place to start. I doubt anyone will ever follow this thread, but this is my form of accountability and a place for me to see progress, document memories, and hopefully push me to vulnerability.
My life vision is to be a woman of genuine vulnerability who passionately lives life in the midst of blessing or struggle in a way that draws others to the love of Jesus Christ.
I fail at this often. My main struggle is a hard heart. I have become an expert at building walls around my heart to protect myself even at the expense of hurting others. I am very ashamed of this and I repent. I admit it is sinful and wrong. I claim God’s promise in Ezekiel 36:26 “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh”. Being married, I am forced to make the decision of being vulnerable, loving, and submissive or putting up my walls of defense daily.
No comments:
Post a Comment